EXCERPT FROM BECOME WHO YOU ARE MEANT TO BE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
CHAPTER 4
INSECURE ATTACHMENT AND RELATIONSHIP SYSTEMS
Our human experience is inherently emotional and relational. We perceive and interact with the world and others through our emotions, forming the foundation for our attachments. This is the basis on which our brain develops, evolving from dependence on others to acquiring the competencies needed to manage the world and relationships independently. A child’s brain develops through experience, stimulation, and engagement. In a safe environment characterized by consistency, predictability, and loving parenting, a child explores, interacts with, and masters activities. This nurturing environment allows us to enter adulthood with a secure base and a strong sense of our Authentic Self, ready to achieve our potential. However, development can take a detour, leading us to create an Imposter Persona to ensure our survival and help us maintain an insecure relational connection.
Human infant development has been extensively studied, revealing the critical role of the primary caregiver in the early stages of life. Babies are inherently relational beings who depend on their caregivers for functions they cannot yet perform themselves. Research in neurobiology and attachment theory shows that failing to form a secure bond with the primary caregiver disrupts relationship development. This disruption forces the child to compensate psychologically, leading to the formation of an Imposter Persona. Instead of the mother pleasing the infant, the child learns to figure out what they need to do to ensure their psychological safety.
From birth, infants exhibit attachment behaviors to their primary caregiver, driven by a biological process ensuring their survival. This attachment bond forms the foundation of a nonverbal emotional relationship, strengthening based on the caregiver's responsiveness. Successful attachment enables a child to feel secure, influencing their interactions, communication, and relationships throughout life. This process supports intellectual development, logical thinking, self-reliance, and coping mechanisms. It also sets the groundwork for a relationship system to be forged in the brain.
ATTACHMENT THEORY AND RELATIONSHIP SYSTEMS
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, revolutionized our understanding of the bond between a child and their primary caregiver. Bowlby, drawing from various disciplines, formulated the core ideas of the theory, emphasizing how a child's attachment to their mother impacts their development, especially when disrupted by separation or loss. Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work, introducing the concept of the caregiver as a secure base for the child and highlighting the importance of maternal sensitivity in forming secure attachment patterns. Bowlby proposed that infants use an "attachment behavioral control system" to balance attachment and exploration, which helps establish a sense of security. This system functions like a feedback loop, integrating information and adjusting behavior to maintain a secure attachment.
The theory suggests that we have multiple developmental pathways influenced by our interactions with caregivers. Bowlby likened the attachment control system to physiological systems regulating body functions, maintaining a child’s proximity to their caregiver. This system is reinforced by behaviors such as crying and clinging, promoting closeness and ensuring the child's safety. Importantly, children can form attachments with multiple caregivers, which helps them balance exploration while maintaining proximity. Further developments in attachment theory highlight that attachments are selective and focused on specific individuals who provide comfort and security. These attachments involve seeking physical proximity and result in distress when separated from the attachment figure.
DEVELOPMENTAL CHOICE POINT: AUTHENTIC OR IMPOSTER
An infant's psychological development happens unconsciously in response to external stimuli and interactions. This developmental process is heavily influenced by the quality of attachment and the caregiver's responsiveness. Secure attachment, formed through consistent and nurturing responses from the caregiver, lays the foundation for the child's emotional and social development. The infant learns to feel safe and secure, which supports healthy brain development and the ability to form trusting relationships in the future.
Optimal parent-child attachment requires continuity, stability, and mutuality. Continuity involves consistent interactions, stability ensures a safe environment for bonding, and mutuality consists of reinforcing the relationship through interactions. Our brains develop from the brainstem up to the prefrontal cortex, with instinctual impulses ensuring survival. Infants are driven by internal cues that trigger emotional responses to get their needs met. The attachment bond is crucial for psychological security, with hormones like oxytocin facilitating bonding. A secure attachment promotes eagerness to learn, healthy self-awareness, trust, and consideration for others. Insecure attachment, resulting from unmet needs, leads to anxiety, self-protective strategies, and confusion about identity, affecting learning and relationships later in life.
Many mothers believe that giving birth secures their bond with their baby, but infants have independent needs. Understanding and responding to these needs, rather than imposing schedules or personalizing the baby’s behavior, is crucial for secure attachment. Secure attachment requires recognizing and responding to the infant’s signals and cues, meeting physical and emotional needs, and engaging in lively social interactions.
Conversely, when an attachment is insecure, the infant's brain adapts by developing self-protective behaviors. These adaptations are unconscious and are aimed at ensuring the infant's survival in an environment where their emotional needs are not reliably met. This early wiring of the brain influences the child's future interactions, often leading to the formation of an Imposter Persona and a closed relationship system. Understanding these early developmental influences highlights the importance of secure attachments in fostering healthy psychological growth and emotional well-being.
From birth, infants rely on their caregivers to meet their basic needs and provide a sense of safety. When these needs are not consistently met, the brain's development is affected in several key ways. Without secure attachment, children become hypervigilant, constantly on alert for threats to their safety. This state of chronic stress can wire the brain to be more reactive to stress and less capable of managing emotions. The amygdala, the brain's fear center, becomes overactive, leading to heightened anxiety and difficulty in calming down. To cope with the unpredictability and lack of security, children develop self-protective behaviors designed to minimize pain and ensure some level of psychological safety. For example, a child might become overly compliant, seeking to please others to avoid conflict or rejection. Insecure attachment disrupts the development of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions, decision-making, and social behavior. As a result, children with insecure attachments often struggle with emotional regulation, experiencing intense and poorly managed emotions.
To navigate a world perceived as unsafe and to maintain some semblance of connection, children go from using their Persona to developing a fixed construct called the Imposter Persona. This Persona is a set of behaviors and attitudes adopted to fit in, gain approval, and avoid rejection. We become who others want us to be as a self-protective mechanism and lose our connection to our Authentic Self. Because the Imposter Persona is a façade, forming genuine, authentic relationships becomes challenging. There is a constant fear that others will see through the persona and reject the true self, leading to superficial connections and a lack of deep, meaningful relationships.
TWO RELATIONSHIP SYSTEMS
The differences between the agendas of the Authentic Self and the Imposter Persona are central to understanding open and closed relationship systems. The Authentic Self represents the core of an individual's identity—who they truly are, including their thoughts, feelings, desires, and values. It is characterized by self-awareness, self-acceptance, consistency, and genuine interactions. Its agenda is to achieve its potential by successfully navigating developmental milestones. In contrast, the Imposter Persona is a protective façade constructed to shield the Authentic Self from real and perceived threats. This façade results in inauthenticity, with behaviors and expressions misaligned with the true self, creating a barrier to genuine connections and personal fulfillment. Its agenda is to survive psychologically, maintain the status quo, and perfect behaviors that engender acceptance and approval from others.
In the absence of secure attachment, the brain creates a closed internal self-regulatory relationship system based on hypervigilance and adaptation from the Imposter Persona. This system is unconscious and instinctual, designed to ensure psychological survival by perceiving relationships as potential threats. The brain's priority shifts from growth and exploration to protection and survival, reinforcing self-protective behaviors. The amygdala, responsible for detecting threats, becomes overactive in individuals with insecure attachments. This heightened activity results in a constant state of alertness and anxiety. Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex, essential for emotional regulation and decision-making, is underdeveloped, leading to difficulties in managing emotions and forming healthy relationships. The imbalance between these brain regions perpetuates the cycle of stress and maladaptive coping mechanisms.
The closed relationship system encourages self-regulation and emotional detachment. To avoid the pain of unmet needs and rejection, individuals learn to rely on themselves, minimizing emotional dependence on others. Interactions with others are fraught with anxiety, and something as simple as a question can be perceived as a threat. There is a constant fear of doing something wrong or getting in trouble. Hypervigilance triggers the brain's alarm system, leading to the fight/flight/freeze reaction and an inability to take anything in. A closed relationship system causes individuals to push others away, sabotage relationships, or remain emotionally distant to protect themselves from potential rejection or hurt.
This threat perception extends to all social interactions, not just intimate relationships. Individuals with a closed relationship system struggle with social anxiety, fearing judgment or criticism from others. They may avoid social situations or adopt a façade to fit in, reinforcing the need to have relationships with the Imposter Persona. These behaviors further isolate them, preventing the formation of genuine connections and exacerbating feelings of loneliness. The fear of intimacy and social interactions leads to avoidance behaviors, causing us to have relationships from our Imposter Persona, leaving the Authentic Self unnurtured and unable to emerge.
SECURE ATTACHMENT AND THE OPEN RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM
Secure attachment forms the foundation of a nonverbal emotional relationship, strengthening based on the caregiver's responsiveness. Successful attachment enables a child to feel safe, influencing their interactions, communication, and relationships throughout life. This process supports intellectual development, logical thinking, self-reliance, and coping mechanisms. The brain develops from the brainstem up to the prefrontal cortex, with secure attachment facilitating the growth of neural pathways essential for emotional regulation and social behavior. This healthy attachment forms the basis for the open relationship system that allows the expression and development of the Authentic Self and the ability to use our Social Persona for social adaptation when needed.
An open internal self-regulatory relationship system is developed from the Authentic Self and wired into neural pathways in the brain that support the flow of giving and receiving in relationships. This openness manifests in various ways: the ability to accept criticism constructively, not taking things personally, and freely giving and receiving love. Key characteristics of such systems include receptivity to feedback, emotional resilience, authentic expression, empathy, vulnerability, and mutual support.
People with open relationship systems accept constructive criticism without feeling attacked; they see feedback as an opportunity for growth rather than a personal affront. They do not take things personally, understanding that others' actions and words often reflect their perspectives rather than being judgments of them. This leads to genuine and honest interactions, as they feel comfortable expressing their true thoughts and feelings. Their high degree of empathy allows them to understand and relate to others' emotions and experiences, fostering deeper connections through shared vulnerability and mutual support.
The benefits of an open relationship system are profound. Openness fosters enhanced emotional intimacy, allowing individuals to share their true selves without fear of judgment or rejection. This, in turn, promotes personal growth, as accepting feedback and viewing relationships as spaces for mutual development helps individuals continuously evolve. Conflicts are handled more constructively, with open communication and empathy leading to effective problem-solving. Trust flourishes in an environment prioritizing authenticity, vulnerability, and support, while improved mental health follows, as individuals are not constantly on guard against perceived threats or criticisms.
INSECURE ATTACHMENT AND THE CLOSED RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM
Insecure attachment disrupts the development of the prefrontal cortex, the brain region responsible for regulating emotions, decision-making, and social behavior. As a result, children with insecure attachments often struggle with emotional regulation, experiencing intense and poorly managed emotions. This disruption creates a cycle of stress and maladaptive coping mechanisms that lead to forming relationships from the Imposter Syndrome using a closed relationship system whose agenda is to prevent harm.
A closed relationship system is characterized by defensiveness and self-protection, with individuals often adopting an Imposter Persona to shield their authentic selves from perceived threats. Key traits of this system include defensiveness, personalization, inauthenticity, lack of vulnerability, emotional guarding, and conditional support. Those operating within closed systems react defensively to criticism, often perceiving it as a personal attack. They take things personally, assuming that others' actions and words are direct judgments of their character or worth. To protect their true selves, they may present a façade, conforming to what they believe is acceptable or safe. Vulnerability is avoided, as they fear rejection or harm, leading to a tight guard on their emotions and only sharing what is deemed necessary and safe. Support in these relationships may be conditional, based on maintaining the façade rather than fostering true mutual growth.
The consequences of a closed relationship system are significant. The lack of authenticity and vulnerability leads to emotional distance, resulting in superficial connections where true intimacy is scarce. Without openness to feedback and growth, individuals in closed systems may experience personal and relational stagnation. Frequent misunderstandings and conflicts arise from defensiveness and personalization, often remaining unresolved due to a lack of constructive communication. Trust erodes in environments where individuals feel they cannot be their true selves or rely on genuine support. Moreover, the constant maintenance of an Imposter Persona and guarding against perceived threats can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and even depression.
ASPECTS AND BEHAVIORS OF RELATIONSHIP SYSTEMS
Closed Relationship System (Imposter Persona) vs. Open Relationship System (Authentic Self) have various behaviors and characteristics. Here are several:
Basis of Interaction and Motivation
In a closed relationship system, interactions are driven by a need to meet external expectations and earn approval. The motivation comes from fear—fear of rejection, of disapproval, of being perceived as incompetent or unlikable.
In contrast, an open relationship system is built on genuine connection and mutual respect. Motivation arises from a desire for meaningful relationships and authentic engagement, not from performance or people-pleasing.
Emotional Expression
In closed systems, emotions are often suppressed or performed. A person may smile or act cheerfully when they are deeply upset, avoiding vulnerability and hiding emotional truth to protect themselves.
Open systems encourage honest and transparent emotional expression. Individuals feel safe to share sadness, frustration, or fear without fear of judgment, strengthening the bond with others.
Communication Style
Communication in a closed system is cautious and strategic. The goal is self-protection and impression management. Fear of saying the wrong thing often leads to silence or inauthentic responses.
In open systems, communication is direct and transparent. People are open about their thoughts and feelings—even if it means risking disagreement—because honesty is more important than approval.
Conflict Resolution
Conflict is either avoided altogether or approached with submission or passive-aggressiveness in a closed system. Individuals may outwardly agree while silently resenting the outcome.
Open systems handle conflict proactively and respectfully. People are willing to listen actively, express concerns, and work toward resolution without undermining the relationship.
Trust Levels
Closed systems are marked by low trust. There’s a high level of suspicion, and personal information is guarded due to fear of betrayal or emotional harm.
Open systems foster trust over time through consistent behavior and emotional safety. Individuals feel comfortable being vulnerable and trusting others with their inner lives.
Self-Perception
Those in closed systems often perceive themselves through a lens of self-doubt and inadequacy. They frequently seek reassurance and struggle to believe in their worth.
Open systems are grounded in self-acceptance. Individuals recognize their value and capabilities without needing constant external affirmation.
Dependence on External Validation
In closed systems, there is a strong reliance on others’ praise and affirmation. A lack of external feedback often triggers anxiety or self-doubt.
Open systems are rooted in internal validation. Satisfaction comes from personal growth and alignment with values—not others’ approval.
Flexibility
Closed systems are rigid. Change is seen as threatening, and individuals stick to familiar routines to avoid being exposed as inadequate.
In open systems, people are adaptable. They embrace growth, experimentation, and new perspectives with realistic expectations of themselves and others.
Sense of Entitlement
A closed system fosters a low sense of entitlement. Achievements are deflected, and individuals often feel they don’t deserve recognition or success.
An open system supports a conscious, healthy sense of entitlement. Individuals own their accomplishments, assert their boundaries, and feel no guilt about taking up space.
Prioritizing the Self
In closed systems, individuals often neglect their own needs in favor of pleasing others. Saying “no” triggers guilt, and personal goals are set aside.
Open systems allow for a healthy prioritization of self. Choices align with personal values and purpose, even if they challenge others’ expectations or provoke discomfort.
Awareness of Needs
In closed systems, individuals often lack awareness of their own needs. Their focus is outward—on anticipating and fulfilling others’ expectations—leaving little room for self-advocacy.
In open systems, needs are acknowledged and honored. People check in with themselves regularly and communicate what they require in relationships and at work.