Why Do We Believe People Who Make Us Feel Small?
It’s not because we’re weak.
It’s not because we’re naive.
And it’s definitely not because we’re unlovable.
We believe them—these partners, husbands, parents, and bosses—because they wrap their control in concern. They distort the truth with just enough charm to keep us questioning ourselves. And when you’ve been taught that love is something you have to earn, that your feelings are too much, or that your role is to accommodate others, it’s easy to confuse manipulation for care.
One woman I worked with came to me saying she wanted help for her codependency. She was growing increasingly depressed to the point she considered suicide and had decided to seek therapy as a last-ditch effort to find out why she wasn't happy despite having a "perfect life." She’d married a successful Canadian professional after leaving her home country in the Middle East. On paper, her life looked perfect—secure, respected, full of opportunity. She believed she was lucky. That belief kept her stuck and unable to see what had happened to her.
Because it started slowly, that shift from love-bombing and adoration to cold, critical and demanding.
At first, it was little things: he encouraged her to step away from old friendships, said her hobbies were childish, nudged her toward a more “suitable” job. His words weren’t cruel—they were logical, practical, often delivered with a smile. She was building a new life, right? Making sacrifices for love?
But slowly, the light went out in her eyes.
She stopped speaking up. She stopped laughing the way she used to. Every time she expressed a feeling, he made her doubt it.
“You’re overreacting.”
“You don’t understand how things work here.”
“Why can’t you just be happy?”
The more she tried to be good, agreeable, and supportive, the more invisible she became. Until one day she realized she didn’t recognize herself anymore.
It took her two painful, determined years in therapy to extract herself from his psychological grip. She didn’t just walk away from a marriage—she walked away from the version of herself that believed she had to earn love by disappearing and becoming who he wanted and needed her to be.
She rebuilt her inner authority, piece by piece. Learned to name gaslighting for what it was. Learned to trust her body. Learned to trust herself.
This is the untold truth of emotional abuse and spousal battery: it doesn’t always look like harm. Sometimes it looks like someone who says they love you while making you feel smaller every day.
If you’ve been there—or you’re there now—know this:
You are not imagining it.
You are not broken.
And you are not alone.
Healing starts when you stop explaining away the pain and start listening to the quiet voice inside that says,
“This doesn’t feel right.”
That voice is not the problem.
It’s your way out.
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Ready to take the next step?
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You don’t have to keep shrinking to survive. Let’s get you back to your truth.
If this reflection feels familiar, you're not alone. Whether you're questioning a current relationship or waking up to the impact of past ones, it's never too late to reclaim your voice.
You deserve relationships where your truth is safe, your voice is heard, and your self-worth isn’t up for negotiation.