When we think of toxic relationships, we often focus on the narcissist—their manipulation, their cruelty, their inability to take responsibility. But what about the person on the other side? The one who stays, over-functions, explains, apologizes, and quietly disappears in the name of love? This is the story of Lena—a smart, capable woman who lost herself in the fog of codependency and found her way back with the right support. It’s not just her story—it’s one many of us know all too well.  

​When Lena first sat across from me, she looked exhausted—not just tired, but emotionally worn thin, like someone who had been walking on eggshells for years. She didn’t cry. She didn’t rage. She just said, “He never hit me. But by the end, I felt like a ghost.”

Lena was the kind of woman many people admire—high-achieving, empathetic, thoughtful. But she’d been in a relationship for five years with a man who slowly chipped away at every part of her. It hadn’t started that way, of course. In the beginning, he was everything she thought she wanted: charismatic, driven, intense. He pursued her with confidence and told her she was unlike anyone he’d ever met. For the first time in years, she felt chosen.

But over time, the compliments turned into criticisms. The attentiveness became control. The passion turned volatile. He told her she was too sensitive, too emotional, too much. And somehow, Lena started to believe him.

She stopped speaking up, afraid it would spark another argument. She distanced herself from friends—they didn’t understand him. She gave up her hobbies, her routines, her voice. She learned how to keep the peace by staying small. She apologized constantly, even when she hadn’t done anything wrong. And worst of all, she stopped asking herself what she wanted. When I asked her that in our first session, she looked at me blankly. No one had asked her that in a very long time.

Like so many others, Lena had fallen into the trap of codependency—not because she was weak, but because somewhere along the way, she had learned that love had to be earned. That to be chosen, she had to give more. That her needs were too much. That it was her job to manage the emotional landscape of a relationship.

Her partner was textbook narcissistic. But this story isn’t about him. It’s about the part of her that believed she had to disappear to stay loved.

Our work didn’t start with telling her to leave. It started with helping her come back to herself. We focused on the small things at first—naming her feelings without judgment, setting boundaries that felt uncomfortable but necessary, noticing where she said yes out of fear instead of truth. We talked about her early experiences and how she learned to be the caregiver, the fixer, the peacekeeper. We worked with the belief that love must be earned through sacrifice. Slowly, Lena began to wake up—not just to the dysfunction of the relationship, but to the deeper hunger she had to be fully herself.

The first time she said, “No,” to her partner without explaining or apologizing, she told me she physically shook. But afterward, something clicked. She said, “I thought I was just tired. But I was starving—for myself.”

That was the moment she started to return home—not to the life she had before him, but to the version of herself that had been waiting underneath all the fear, shame, and over-functioning. She stopped needing to be chosen and started choosing herself.

Eventually, she did leave the relationship. But the real transformation happened long before that—when she stopped looking at him to change and started turning her focus inward. She realized she didn’t need to fix him to heal. She just needed to stop abandoning herself.

I’ve worked with hundreds of women like Lena—strong, capable women who lost themselves in relationships that looked normal on the outside but left them empty on the inside. If you recognize yourself in her story, know this: you are not broken. You are not too much. And you do not have to keep disappearing to be loved.

Healing doesn’t start with their apology. It starts with your awakening.​

P.S. If you're ready to begin that return to yourself…

📘 You can start with my book, Become Who You Are Meant to Be In Your Relationships. It’s written for people like Lena—and maybe for you, too. It will help you understand why you give so much, why it feels so hard to stop, and how to finally reclaim your Authentic Self.

🤝 And if you want support as you do the deeper work of healing, I offer 1:1 psychotherapy and therapeutic coaching. Together, we create a new foundation where you become the center of your life again.

You don’t need to earn your worth. You already have it.

Let’s get you walking this path—back to your authentic self.