People are difficult because we don’t have the skills to handle them.
I’ve spent decades coaching and training leaders on how to “handle difficult people.” If I had a dollar for every time someone sat across from me, sighed, and said, “Anne, my problem is that I have to work with so many difficult people,” I would have retired on an island by now.
But here’s what I’ve learned: most people aren’t difficult.
What we’re really talking about is our lack of skill when faced with behavior we don’t like, don’t expect, or don’t know how to respond to.
The Myth of the Difficult Person
We love a label. Calling someone “difficult” is quick, satisfying, and gets us off the hook. It means “The problem is them, not me.”
But what does “difficult” really mean?
Think about the last time you described someone this way. Were they screaming and throwing things? Or were they just:
- Questioning and clarifying what you wanted?
- Saying “no” when you expected “yes”?
- Having a different opinion or suggesting another way?
In other words, they weren’t actually difficult—they were just different from what you wanted.
When we lack the emotional intelligence and communication skills to handle those moments, our brain takes a shortcut: label them difficult and avoid them at all costs.
Why Our Brains Default to “Difficult”
There’s a reason this happens so fast. The human brain hates friction. The moment someone pushes back, disagrees, or disrupts our plan, our amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) fires. It doesn’t know the difference between a disagreement and a real threat; it just knows you’re uncomfortable.
This primitive wiring produces a “fight, flight, or freeze” response. Instead of slowing down to listen, we react:
Fight: We argue, dismiss, or steamroll
Flight: We shut down and avoid them
Freeze: We smile and nod while silently resenting them
None of these reactions requires skill. They’re automatic. And over time, we start labeling any interaction that triggers this response as “dealing with a difficult person.”
The Skills Gap No One Talks About
Conflict management isn’t taught in school. Neither are emotional regulation, listening, nor how to sit with discomfort. Most of us have never learned how to handle normal human disagreement without taking it personally.
So, instead of growing the skills, we develop avoidance strategies:
- Steering clear of “that person”
- Venting to someone else
- Going around them to get what we want
- Pretending everything is fine (while fuming inside)
The problem? These strategies keep us stuck. They never actually improve the relationship, and the label “difficult” sticks.
The Cost of Avoiding the Problem
The data is clear. Employees spend an average of 2.8 hours a week managing conflict, and 70% admit they avoid tough conversations altogether. Nearly half of workplace conflicts come from personality clashes, not performance issues. Avoidance costs billions in lost productivity, but the cost to our relationships is even higher.
When we call someone “difficult” and dodge the interaction, we lose:
- Opportunities for collaboration
- Valuable feedback and alternative ideas
- The chance to build stronger relationships through understanding
- Most importantly, we miss the opportunity to grow our own capacity to handle discomfort.
It’s Not About Them. It’s About Us.
Here’s the hard truth: If everyone around you seems difficult, the common denominator might be you.
It’s uncomfortable to admit, but our skill level determines how “difficult” someone feels. The more skill you develop, the less difficult other people become.
I’ve watched leaders transform simply by learning how to regulate their own emotional reactions, listen for understanding instead of agreement, and stay curious rather than defensive. Over time, the very people they once dreaded interacting with became their greatest collaborators.
Skills That Change Everything
So how do we go from labeling people difficult to actually handling them with confidence? It comes down to three core skills:
1. Self-Regulation
Your ability to manage yourself when your buttons are pushed determines everything. The next time someone challenges you, pause. Breathe. Instead of letting your emotional brain run the show, engage your thinking brain. Ask yourself: “Is this really a personal attack, or just someone with a different opinion?”
2. Listening to Understand (Not Win)
Most of us listen with one ear while planning our rebuttal with the other. Shift your focus:
- What are they really trying to say?
- Why might this matter to them?
- What could I be missing?
When people feel heard, they stop being “difficult” and start engaging.
3. Curiosity Over Control
Replace “You’re wrong” with “Tell me more about how you see it.” Curiosity turns friction into information. Instead of a power struggle, it becomes a joint problem-solving conversation.
A Brain Practice to Try
The next time you feel yourself thinking “This person is impossible,” try this 90-second reset:
Pause: Notice your trigger. “I’m feeling defensive.”
Breathe: Three slow breaths. Inhale for 4, exhale for 6.
Reframe: “This is not danger. This is a difference.”
Respond: Ask a curious question: “What’s important to you about this?”
Practicing this regularly teaches your brain that disagreement isn’t danger—it’s just difference.
From “Difficult” to “Different”
One of the best parts of my work has been watching people’s relationships transform when they stop labeling others as difficult and start asking, “What skill do I need here?”
The colleague who interrupts constantly? That’s a boundary conversation or a transactional feedback opportunity to upskill their communication skills.
The team member who pushes back? That’s an opportunity to listen for the why behind their concerns.
The boss who micromanages? That’s a chance to get clear on expectations or help soothe their anxiety instead of stewing and personalizing their behavior.
Difficult people stop being obstacles and start being teachers—if you’re willing to do the work.
So What's Next?
After decades of coaching leaders, here’s what I know for sure: There will always be people who challenge you. Whether you see them as “difficult” or as an opportunity depends entirely on the skills you bring to the moment.
Instead of asking, “Why are people so difficult?” try asking, “What can I learn so they don’t have to be?”
That shift changes everything.
If you are interested in finding out how to improve your interpersonal skills so that you can manage all types of challenging interactions without becoming defensive, contact me at anned@annedranitsaris.com for a consultation.