By Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.

In our cultural conversation about toxic relationships, we’ve fallen into a trap: we cast narcissists as villains and codependents as their unfortunate victims. One is selfish and manipulative. The other is giving and long-suffering. One is “bad.” The other is “good.”

But this good-versus-evil narrative does more harm than good. It keeps us from seeing what’s really going on.

The truth is neither narcissists nor codependents are living from their Authentic Self.

Both are stuck in survival patterns.

Both are using personas they developed in childhood to cope with emotional environments that didn’t support their development.

Two Sides of the Same Developmental Delay

Narcissism and codependency aren’t opposites—they’re mirror images. Both are adaptations to early emotional injury.
Both are built on the same foundational wound: the inability to develop a solid, integrated sense of self.

The narcissist copes by inflating the self.
They create a persona of superiority, control, or perfection because that’s how they learned to survive environments that lacked attuned mirroring and unconditional acceptance.

The codependent copes by deflating the self.
They erase their own needs and emotions to stay connected to others, believing their value lies in being needed, useful, or emotionally available.

These are not conscious choices. They are neuropsychological responses—automatic adaptations to environments where their authentic emotions, needs, and individuality were either ignored, punished, or used against them.

Why This Pattern Feels So Familiar (and So Hard to Break)

For both, love was never unconditional. They learned to perform—to become who others needed them to be. And because these roles developed so early in life, they feel normal, even comforting.

The narcissistic persona seeks validation, admiration, and control as a stand-in for emotional security.
The codependent persona seeks approval, connection, and a sense of purpose through self-sacrifice.

Neither is rooted in an internalized sense of self-worth. Both rely on external reinforcement to feel okay. And both break down in emotionally intimate relationships, where real connection threatens the very persona they’ve built.

Why Narcissists Get the Blame—and Why That Doesn’t Help

Narcissistic behaviors—defensiveness, blame-shifting, emotional withdrawal—can be difficult to be on the receiving end of. They often seem cold, calculating, or cruel. In contrast, codependent behaviors—overgiving, caretaking, and self-sacrifice—appear noble or altruistic.

But that’s the illusion.

The narcissist isn’t “too full of themselves”—they’re terrified of being seen as not enough.
The codependent isn’t “too loving”—they’re terrified of not being loved at all.

Both are driven by fear. Both lack a stable, developed sense of self. And both keep reaching outside of themselves for the validation and safety they never received inside.

The Work: Developing the Authentic Self

Healing doesn’t come from assigning blame. It comes from growing up emotionally and psychologically. 
That means leaving behind the self-protective personas and beginning the real work of development.

For the codependent, this means

• Learning to recognize and meet your own emotional needs
• Developing a personal identity not based on being needed or helpful
• Tolerating discomfort when others are unhappy, rather than fixing it
• Building internal self-worth instead of sourcing it from caretaking

For the narcissist, this means

• Becoming emotionally honest and accountable
• Learning to tolerate vulnerability without defensive behaviors
• Reconnecting with emotional needs that were buried or denied
• Developing empathy and attunement to others without fear of losing control

This is not easy work. It often means grieving the childhood you didn’t get, releasing the protective strategies that once kept you safe, and learning to trust yourself—maybe for the first time.

What Keeps the Dynamic Going

When one partner is over-functioning and the other is over-controlling, a dysfunctional balance is created. But it’s still a balance. It keeps both from confronting their own developmental gaps.

The codependent continues to derive identity from being indispensable
The narcissist continues to reinforce the illusion of self-sufficiency and superiority

Neither confronts the inner emptiness or fear of abandonment driving the dynamic

This isn’t love. It’s mutual dependency. And it keeps both people from becoming who they are truly meant to be.

The Path Forward: From Persona to Presence

If you recognize yourself in either of these roles, know this:

You are not broken. You are conditioned.

But what was learned can be unlearned. What was blocked can be developed. You don’t need to be more helpful or more powerful. You need to be more you.

The real work of a relationship isn’t fixing the other person. It’s becoming whole enough within yourself that you stop needing someone else to complete you, rescue you, or validate you.

Authentic relationships aren’t built from personas. They’re built from presence, self-awareness, and mutual growth.

When you shift from performing to being, you open the door to love that’s not rooted in survival—but in truth.

Codependents Aren’t Innocent. Narcissists Aren’t Monsters. They’re Both Stuck.