The Pattern Beneath the Pain

No matter how self-aware you are, how emotionally intelligent, or how many books you’ve read—if you haven’t rewired your early relational patterns, they will continue to dictate how you show up in love. These patterns are wired into your brain. They shape how you accommodate others, seek approval, rationalize poor treatment, and make yourself smaller in the hopes of being loved.

I was no exception. In my younger years, I was engaged more than once and lived with a few men I believed were “the one.” Something in me—some quiet inner wisdom—always pulled back before marriage. At the time, I didn’t fully understand why.

Same Story, Different Person

For years, I kept ending up in the same painful cycle. The people I dated weren’t identical, but I became the same version of myself in every relationship: overly adaptable, accommodating, and tuned in to their needs while cut off from my own.

In the beginning, I was confident, grounded, expressive—my whole self. But as the relationship deepened, I would start to shape-shift. Bit by bit, I became what I thought they wanted. It wasn’t manipulation—it was survival. I needed to feel safe. And I believed being myself wasn’t safe.

I softened my voice, edited my opinions, and became emotionally available but emotionally invisible. I disappeared.

A Wake-Up Call

After another relationship quietly unraveled, my business partner looked at me and said, “I like you better when you’re not seeing anyone.” It hit like a punch. I was hurt. But I also knew he was right.

When I was single, I was alive, creative, passionate, and fiercely myself. But the moment I entered a relationship, I dimmed. I could see it in my work, in meetings where I second-guessed myself, and in conversations where I made myself smaller to be more palatable. I wasn’t just compromising—I was abandoning myself.

Not Ready for Love—Yet

It became clear: I wasn’t being rejected for being too much. I was pre-rejecting myself—disconnecting from my Authentic Self and trying to earn love by becoming what I imagined someone else wanted. My needs, my wants, my truth? Not even on the table.

Eventually, I had to face a hard truth: I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. Not because I didn’t deserve love, but because I hadn’t yet learned how to stay myself while loving someone else.

So I made a decision. A quiet but life-altering decision. No more dating. No more emotional entanglements. Not until I had done the therapy and inner work to trust myself to stay whole in love.

Doing the Real Work

That decision wasn't easy. There were lonely moments, grief for the years I’d spent in self-abandonment, and deep discomfort in sitting with unmet needs. But I stayed the course. I did the real work—the hard work.

I explored the roots of my codependent patterns, the childhood wounds that shaped them, and the beliefs that told me I had to earn love by becoming what others needed. I built a relationship with myself. And over time, I stopped shrinking.

Love, When You're Ready for It

And then—unexpectedly, and when I was no longer looking—I met someone different. He didn’t overwhelm me or try to sweep me off my feet. He was grounded. Attuned. Present. He listened. He saw me—not a version of me, not a persona—but the real me.

For the first time, I didn’t feel the urge to contort myself to be loved. I stayed present. I stayed real. And he loved me there.

He didn’t try to “complete” me. He created the conditions for me to flourish. It took time to trust that kind of love. I was used to managing dynamics, performing, and anticipating rejection. But eventually, I allowed myself to be nurtured. I let myself grow.

That man became my husband. And more than 34 years later, I can say this with certainty:
The relationship didn’t save me. I saved myself.

Because I did the work to become whole, I was finally able to receive love in a way that honored who I am, not who I pretended to be.

Healing First, Then Love

Healing didn’t happen because I found the right partner. It happened because I made the choice to become someone who could live in love without losing herself. That’s the real work—learning how to love without abandoning yourself in the process.

If this story sounds familiar—if you see your own pattern in mine—know this: it’s not too late to break the cycle. You are not broken. You are wired to survive in a way that once made sense. But now it’s time to rewire for who you’re becoming.

👉If you’re tired of shrinking, shape-shifting, and losing yourself in relationships, I can help. I work with emotionally intelligent women and men who are ready to break free from codependent patterns and reconnect with their Authentic Self—whether through coaching or psychotherapy.

You don’t have to keep repeating the same relational story. You can write a new one—one that includes you at the center.

👉Email me or visit www.annedranitsaris.com to book a free consultation.

Let’s begin the work of becoming who you truly are—in love and in life.